The satisfied perfectionist

With the horses and tack loaded all that was left was the 81-mile drive home.  Sitting in the back the kids settled into the Lion King with their headphones, while my i-pad played the soothing songs for escape from a long, three day, horse show.  In the seat next to me were two large bronze trophies, the prize from a winning run in the Open Derby.  They brought some solace to my unhappy mood a strange yet familiar discontent with a very successful weekend.  I had made a very nice run, scored lower than I had expected but the placement was good.  The never- ending desire for perfection left me feeling empty in a moment I have worked to achieve for years.  As my headlights broke the darkness of a familiar road it was a strange place to be.

The passing miles brought one word to mind over and over, satisfied.  Why could I not feel satisfied I had after all accomplished what I had set out to do three days before I had won the Derby.  I had marked a respectable score under a very conservative judge.  With only one very borderline deduction for a debatable over spin I had put together a clean run with a high degree of dificulty. Yet looking at the trophies and the thousands of dollars that came with them I had a hollow heart.

The obvious question is why would I fill unsatisfied if I had accomplished what I had set out to do?  The answer is in the second horse I showed that night.  Although she is not as good as Moonshine, the horse I won on, she is a very nice horse and I expected to do well with her and hoped for a first and second placing.  When I was walking out of the arena on her I had expected to hear a score that would bring that goal very close to a reality, instead I heard a mark five points lower that what I expected and everyone else in the arena, for that matter.  The result once again left me lacking in perfection.  So I had won but not been perfect hence unsatisfied.

So the never-ending war rages on inside the desire to be perfect and yet find some sense of satisfaction.  Gratefully in the back a little boy took a moment from his movie and made a simple statement, “Dad can I tell you something?” I responded “yes.”  To which he replied, “I love you!” All the anger and disappointment disappeared at that moment.  As one of my favorite artist Jewel reminds us in her song satisfied “horses are built to run. The sun was meant to shine above.  Flowers are made to bloom and then there’s us, we were born to love, we were born to love.”  The only source of true satisfaction comes through expression of our love through word, deed, and expression to those who mean the most to us.  If we fail to lay it all on the line and give of ourselves nothing will bring us satisfaction.  Without those we love all we have is trophies to dust and a few thousand bucks. Perhaps the perfectionist in me will one day take first and second in a big show, so I can drive home unhappy about not taking first second and third. I will however hold on for all I am worth to an amazing wife, kids, and great horses like Moonshine.  Those are the things I love and the only things that satisfy.